Accountability

Here I am, sitting at a Starbucks, trying to organize my thoughts. VERY “writer-like”, if I dare to say. Funny as it is, I decided that coming to this place would inspire me. You know, I have this flood of thoughts longing to become the sexiest text ever... I HAD TO come in here and give it a try. (Well... It DOES work in Hollywood, doesn’t it?!)

The whole idea of trying, by the way, has been haunting me ever since I was born. I gotta say that: I’m a trier (Euphemism for PAIN IN THE ASS). If I want something, you would be a dead body after saying “You can’t, Débora”. Me and verbs in the negative... We simply don’t get along.

Anyway... That’s not what I’m writing for. Let’s forget about me, shall we?

Today I woke up feeling this urge to share my thoughts about the word ACCOUNTABILITY. See, this is a word I have to deal with at work EVERYDAY. The school where I teach is really committed to this idea of “what have we done so far?”, mainly when boring students nag us saying that they are not learning English. (“Hey, my dear, I’m gonna give you some homework: Prepare a list with at least 5 things you do in order to improve your goddamn English.”)

Accountability... Such a powerful word, isn’t it? Beautiful and kinda scary too. (Maybe the scariest word among all – And not only in my poor student’s opinion, I guarantee.) Let me show you something:

n.
The state of being accountable; liability to be called on to render an account; the obligation to bear the consequences for failure to perform as expected; accountableness. «The awful idea of accountability.» R. Hall.
Syn. -- answerability, answerableness

This is from a dictionary, yes, but if its intention is not to scare the hell out of you, then I don’t know what it could be. Come on... “Bear the consequences for failure”? “Answerability”?. “Awful idea”?

Man, I just can’t stop thinking about this “you-are-responsible-for-your-actions-,-you-moron-!” stuff. I mean, using ACCOUNTABILITY as a method of analyzing your improvement in whatever you do.... that is ok; you may have some spare time to fix what is wrong. However, what if I use the word to analyze my own life? Honestly, I’d be perfectly capable of “answering” why I didn’t pass the CPE with an A and bear its consequences. But would I be able to cope with my PERSONAL failures?

There is this thought that really drives me bonkers: walking away from hapiness. We often put ourselves in hard situations – life itself is hard – and then we may get way too scared to keep on going. That’s when we simply choose “the easy way”, most definetly preventing us from... pursuing true hapiness. And then, my friend, after running away from something just because it was too difficult to be true, how are we gonna answer the “what have you done to your life” question? For, you know, this accountability concept will be there, sooner or later.

Yes, the concept will be there, and it’s up to us (only us) to find positive answers – that’s what we say to our students, isn’t it? Maybe we all should consider the answerability, answerableness of whatever we start doing before getting to a point where accountability is a frightening thing to face. After all, if we have the chance of changing the cryptic question a little bit and ask “Why am I doing that?” instead of “What have I done?”, the answer might be a lot easier.

By Débora Benedetto, CPE 1, morning